Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards

    Started off on the Grand Quest for True Love on the windy morning of
    April 3, a Wednesday. Checked the place where I'd been dropped off and
    saw there was a taxi stand outside but this was no hot news; I'd just
    paid for the ride out here because Lefty's sounded like as good a place
    to start an impossible mission as any.

    Cracked up my speed a little and took on a faster stroll than hitherto.
    Opened the door of the dilapidated building and went right up to the
    only woman in the bar. All muscles no play makes Larry a naughty boy?
    Better get myself one of the good ol' whiskeys before checking out a
    place the likes of which would have been restricted from most b-movies
    - I had the nasty feeling this place was frequented mostly by roaches
    and their likes.

    One smell of that whiskey was enough to convince me that I might as
    well stay sober for a while. A certain urge arose and I went into the
    back, where my attention was caught by two items - one of which was a
    drunk who was lying in the middle of a small pool that was testimony to
    the fact that he just hadn't made it to the restroom. I offered the
    poor lamb my whiskey and damn if he didn't start making noises; took a
    little while but I did end up with a remote, whatever it was good for.
    I never could say no to a sucker.

    Went into the lavatory and finally found a place free of roaches;
    probably on account of the fact even their kind couldn't survive this
    kind of a stench. Did some interesting reading - and not all of it in
    the newspaper - and picked up a diamond ring en passant. Washed my
    hands and got the hell out of there before I caught some kind of
    infection.

    On my way outside I noticed a naugahyde door that no doubt led into the
    local pimp's domain but despite a certain longing I remembered one of
    the first lesson's my mother gave me and decided not to investigate a
    place that was bound to have an unpleasant surprise for those not
    equipped with the necessary safeties.

    Outside, I called a cab.

    "Yo! Taxi!"

    LEISURE SUIT LARRY IN THE LAND OF THE LOUNGE LIZARDS by SIERRA

    First of all, let me point out that Leisure Suit Larry (LSL) is not
    like most of the adventure games I usually write about. LSL has nothing
    to do with sword & sorcery, dungeons & dragons, cloak & dagger,
    whatever. LSL is a game reportedly for adults only; and although I am
    not at all interested in (and usually turned off by) a lot of software
    in the so-called softporn category because in my personal opinion it's
    basically tasteless, cheap and ugly, I dare say Sierra's (remember
    King's Quest?) Leisure Suit Larry is a completely different story
    altogether because a) the programmers have had the good taste not to
    become vulgar or obscene in terms of visual or textual detail and b)
    these very same programmers have realized that the best way to make a
    semi-sexual adventure acceptable to a large public is to put the accent
    on humor. Which is where you have the reason I like, and thus write
    about this game - LSL is so full of witticisms, sarcasms and ironics
    that I played and finished the whole thing in less than a day. (I
    hereby admit a moderate state of intoxication did exist.)

    Ah! Here's the cabby.

    Cabbie nearly drove me over but must have realised that custumors need
    to be alive to pay their fares. I entered, wondering just how long I'd
    be able to keep in my breath. I gave up and after a short exchange we
    decided that the local convenience shop was definitely a must for a
    new-in-town. I made a senseless call at a public phone there, then went
    in quickly as the swaggering figure of a drunk arrived, accompanied by
    a dog with an obvious fascination for hydrants - and other slow-moving
    elements on the pavement.

    I bought three items in the shop, the last of which could have been
    handled more discreetly by the bigmouth owner. I was highly inclined to
    just walk out without paying when I saw the .44 behind his counter. No
    way to outrun a bullet.

    Outside, I traded the first item for a little pocket knife (you never
    know when a knife comes in handy) and subsequently had the cabbie drive
    me over to Lefty's again. I was somewhat curious about that naugahyde
    door and besides this hot new item was just burning in my pocket.

    I rapped my knuckles on the door and the sliding panel revealed the
    bloated face of the pimp. Gave him the password and subsequently
    entered a basically empty room where the only important item - not
    counting the pimp - was a tv set with the knob broken. I tried to get
    past the pimp upstairs but he wouldn't let me, and my name isn't Larry
    if I have to pay to get laid. So I took out my weapon (never thought
    I'd be grateful for that remote control) and switched on the
    television.

    "Oh John! - oh Marsha!
    Oh John! - Oh Marsha!
    OH John! - OH Marsha!
    OH JOHN! - OH MARSHA!"

    Another boring soap opera. The pimp looked vaguely interested, but not
    enough to leave his place by the staircase. I switched channels from
    one dreadful program to another and although a couple of times I was
    absolutely sure that this was it the pimp seemed not to think anything
    much of my taste - he did keep on watching, which urged me into
    continuing the checks.

    Somewhere in the umpteenth show, right at the time of my third yawn, I
    reached the "cultural level" of the pimp and witnessed the astounding
    speed his oversized body achieved while making its way to the
    television. I bumped into him, he pushed me away and I quickly went up
    the unguarded stairs.

    The room upstairs was occupied by a repulsive hooker the likes of which
    would have scared off a rhinoceros. I made a quick search through the
    apartment and, figuring that she liked gum much better anyway, made
    myself the owner of a box of chocolates.

    Before confronting the girl on a sexual level, I took off my clothes,
    ignoring the look of utter disdain that disfigured the already
    repellant face as I wrestled with my newly acquired hifi prophylactic -
    no wasted luxury in this place.

    I went through the moves but it was all far from satisfactory, if only
    because a midnight stand is not my idea of the Great Love. I did not
    forget to remove the rubber as I dressed again, sad and melancholy.
    Anyway, doubtful about the reaction of the pimp I evaded the stairs and
    left through the window. Trying to move the ladder I found it was
    stuck; an attempt to make it do what I wanted it to do resulted in a
    fall - right in the middle of a (yuck!) trash container. I did pick up
    something interesting there and, getting out quickly, I went to the
    front of Lefty's and once more took a cab.

    Went straight to the casino to find out if there was any action in this
    town and met a guy who seemed to think he was Adam or something. I
    never did find a decent slot machine in that place but blackjack's my
    specialty so I had a little fun at the tables and decided to check out
    the rest of the joint. Went to the back and noticed a disco pass
    occupying valuable space in the ashtray; I had the good manners to take
    it out. Passed by the elevator on my way to the cabaret, where there
    was a show going on. Them dames could dance, you betcha!

    Got up with the elevator all the way to the roof. When I came out I
    noticed a real nice-looking but somewhat overdressed desk-clerk
    handling paper work. Thinking how much nicer it would be to handle each
    other, I started some smooth talk. Nice chat altogether (could you ever
    resist a woman by the name of Faith?) but I finally had to conclude
    that some chemicals were needed here. Now where had I seen a bottle of
    familiar-looking pills?

    Somewhat turned off by the unhappy sequence of events, I decided I
    might as well spend my lonely evening in the local disco. The bouncer
    pretended to recognise me when I showed him the pass; he was a
    well-educated kind of guy. I went inside and damn if I didn't get the
    impression that half the male population was eyeing a beautiful blonde
    sitting at a table all by her lonesome. I went over, and something in
    her eyes told me that I needn't ask to sit down - just do it. Acting on
    instinct, I offered a rose. Fawn seemed to just love roses - before I
    had a chance to ask she was out on the dance floor waiting for me. I
    ignored the jealous stares from the male population and did my very
    best to impress her with some fancy footwork.

    Back at the table, she accepted two more items (Fawn was so intensely
    beautiful and charming I would have given her anything) and before I
    knew what was going on we were talking about getting married. If I had
    a quick hundred for the Honeymoon Suite. I didn't, but Fawn, although a
    great teaser, promised to wait for me while I did my thing at the
    Casino.

    I did more than just my thing and left with the maximum allowed profit,
    figuring that a sophisticated girl like Fawn would probably have an
    expensive taste - also, I realised that wedding services aren't usually
    free.

    She was still there when I got back, and we went to the Quicky Wed
    church. The only place we could find and it was cheap in everything -
    except the fee. Wed and well, Fawn told me to meet her later, in the
    Honeymoon Suite. I went there, and somehow something just wasn't quite
    what it should be. Some champagne, perhaps?  Room service was
    non-existent; the phone downstairs had been viciously violated. I
    dropped in at the cabaret to see if there was any chance of getting a
    bottle but the ancient entertainer never stopped talking. He did tell
    me a couple of new ones, though.

    The only thing left to do was go back to where I'd used the phone
    before and hope the little dog wouldn't piss on me. I ordered some fine
    wine to be delivered to our room at the Casino Hotel and went back as
    fast as I could.  Fawn was ready, willing and eager and before I knew
    it I was undressed, on the bed and anxiously waiting. Fawn was fooling
    around with some rope and I was just about to ask her what kinky stuff
    she had in mind when I found myself tied to the bed - and alone, Fawn
    having taken all my money and a good deal of my self-respect. What a
    bummer; was this true love?

    I did what I had to do and used the little pocket knife to cut myself
    loose. Checking my wallet, I noticed Fawn had taken all except that
    well-hidden ten bucks. At least I could rebuild a small fortune at the
    Blackjack tables.

    Feeling down and blue, I reached for the magazine I'd bought. Searching
    for the centerfold, I came across and article about window washers
    fastening themselves to buildings with ropes. Not interest... wait a
    second! Pills. Faith. The hooker's window. Maybe this night wasn't lost
    after all!

    A few hours later I left the Casino, again with the maximum profit.
    Seeing how the cabbies were asking more and more ominous amounts of
    money, I was glad I'd taken the trouble - especially since the only
    alternative was walking the streets, and that's not a very safe thing
    to do these days.

    I entered Lefty's and was more than surprised to see the pimp still
    completely absorbed in front of the television set - it must have been
    broken for years. Silently applauding the existence of 24-hour
    sex-shows, I moved up and, ignoring the hooker, went through the seedy
    bedroom and out the window.

    I took the rope Fawn had left (it seemed our short marriage had been
    good for something after all) and tied myself to the balcony. I smashed
    the window with the hammer and got the familiar looking bottle of
    pills. Couldn't make out much of the label but pills don't fly - and
    I'd recognise a good stimulant any time of the day, thank you.

    Went back to the Casino and all the way up again. The chat with Faith
    took some time and didn't end where it should have ended - when I gave
    her some pills, she went sex-mad. Which was alright with me, but she
    went in search of her boy-friend. What a bummer.

    I did notice something interesting on her panel now that the
    distraction was gone - a button. Pushed it, and heard the door to a
    private elevator sliding open. Hmmm.

    I stepped through and came out in a penthouse. Most of the art wasn't
    really to my liking, but when I heard the bubbling outside I detected a
    bathing female the likes of which would have molten the heart of Stone
    Golem. I walked over, ready for the umpteenth rejection and
    disappointment - when she actually, spontaneaously, smiled at me. I was
    so absolutely thunderstruck I couldn't even talk.  She just sat there
    and looked at me; I just had to look elsewhere. When I saw here name on
    a towel I suddenly knew what to do; there was only one thing to offer a
    girl named Eve. What followed next is not something to relate to a
    perverted public that has no perception and lacks all feeling for
    romance. Let it suffice to say that my Grand Quest proved successful
    after all - and that neither Eve nor I will ever bother you again. That
    is, if that little round man from Sierra doesn't bug us anymore.


    So far so good and let's hear it for Larry-boy - he had a hard time
    under my scrutinous supervision but I guess a happy ending always makes
    up for everything.


     * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *